This is spying. Isn't it FUN?

[neverwrongagent]

Brody attending the meeting Walker had so casually mentioned turned into a three ring circus. More than one person involved was convinced the whole thing was a wild goose chase, including Carrie occasionally. If she hadn't seen Walker as up close and personal as she had when they were first rescued, she could have been convinced. Maybe sending Brody to a regular meeting for returning vets who were also Muslim was just a kind of fuck you from a man who felt he'd been betrayed by a brother soldier. Or it could be something much more sinister. The problem was, no one could really figure out what that sinister was supposed to be. Carrie continued to maintain that Brody had no idea what was going on.

The questions Brody faced right after the meeting ranged from if he knew any of the people there already to how was he planning to overthrow the US government. When the questions headed that way a majority of the time, Carrie called foul and got Brody out of there. With full understanding of the irony involved, they had decided that the cover that would work best with his family was that he was working with other vets on integrating back into the world. Carrie would have felt a lot worse about that if it was just being used to cover up them fucking around. She still felt pretty shitty about it given how much stress it was putting on him.

They took their own cars back to her place. She got there before him and immediately opened a fresh bottle of wine, leaving a full glass on the counter for him, then she went upstairs to change into something decidedly less official looking.

Comments

[neverwrongagent]

She touched his cheek lightly. "From the poetry until just now." That meant he was even more comfortable in the language than she thought.

[posterboymarine]

He leaned into her touch with a whimper. "I have not thought in anything else in months. But I have not spoken it since I got out of that hole."

[neverwrongagent]

She leaned in, touching her forehead to his. "You have to come home, Nick. Come all the way home." She meant come all the way to her, even though she was as much a part of the hole he'd been in as she was a part of anything else.

[posterboymarine]

He shook his head and closed his eyes. "I can't. It's not finished. I can't come home until it's finished." His hand clenched at his side and he moved away after a moment. "Not until it's done."

[neverwrongagent]

She used his movement away as a cover for her own retreat. She slid away from him until they weren't touching at all. Managing not to stare at him took the real effort. "Until what is done?"

A half hour ago she'd been as relaxed as she'd ever been in her life. Relaxed and happy and trusting. Now every nerve jangled with fear and concentration. He could just mean being watched by her team, having to play games with Walker. That would make sense.

[posterboymarine]

He settled on his stomach, looking away from her. He didn't need to be psychic to know he'd lost it all with those words, that she wouldn't trust him anymore. As far as he was concerned, it was what he deserved. He was not trustworthy. He was a failure and a coward, a sympathizer, even after being taken captive. He had no illusions about that. He'd seen it in the eyes of every person at that meeting, in the eyes of all his shadows, in Walker's eyes when they'd spoken, and in Carrie's eyes before he moved away.

"This bullshit war, this bullshit foreign policy."

[neverwrongagent]

She'd pulled back but he was still in her bed. There was a gun in a drawer not ten feet from her, but she'd gone nowhere near it. Instead she shifted slowly back to him, hoping that he wouldn't reject her approach, and rested her hand on his back. More than anything she wanted to keep trusting him. She needed to because she'd told everyone he was the innocent party. These things were never clean and simple and she couldn't be that wrong about him.

"That's why you're helping. Right?"

[posterboymarine]

"Is that what I'm doing? I'm helping? With what, exactly? If you're right, it's one guy, maybe a few guys. If you're wrong, it's nothing." He wasn't rejecting her approach, but he was shut down again. And all because he'd been relaxed and let down his guard, and been called on it. It wasn't intentional, it was self-preservation.

[neverwrongagent]

"A few guys can do a lot of damage." He knew that as well as she did. She gently rubbed his back, wanting him to come back to her. She felt suddenly alone and uncertain. "We need to understand how it all works."

And part of that, even if she was wrong and there was nothing going on, was understanding the effects on him. Knowing was still the better choice. "Have you told me the truth, Nick? Are we still in this together?" The way she asked it clearly implied that she was with him, that she expected a yes answer.

[posterboymarine]

He turned to look at her, his eyebrow raised in anger. "Have I ever lied to you? You know everything. How can you even ask me that?"

[neverwrongagent]

She swallowed hard, that flash of guilt coming back. "I learned as much today as I've known so far. If I didn't believe you, I wouldn't be lying here naked still." She licked her lips. "I'm not sure you believe me about that."

[posterboymarine]

He responded with the last weapon in his arsenal out of frustrated anger. "You're a spy, Carrie. You are in the lying business." He didn't want to believe that she wasn't being truthful, but he was backed into a corner and the statement was the last defense he had.

He turned away, then slipped from the bed. "I'm sorry. That was cruel. I need to go outside. I need..." He shuddered hard, then turned to look at her. "You're a spy, Carrie, and you get to keep doing that. You still have your livelihood." He looked down at his hands. "I'm a killer and I can't even do that anymore."

He grabbed his pants and pulled them on, then headed for the door. With no shirt and no shoes, he couldn't get far.

[neverwrongagent]

He didn't have to go far to leave her completely alone. Carrie pulled the blankets up to cover herself and hid her face for a long time. She didn't cry, but she might as well have for how hurt she felt. The worst part was he wasn't wrong. She'd played him, she still played him when she needed to for her work. Hell, even getting away for this trip was partly to keep him functional. That didn't make their time together a lie, exactly, but she was still working. She was always working.

When she thought she could face him without breaking down, she got up and put on her pants and a top. She didn't realize at first that she'd grabbed his top. She didn't bother with shoes, either.

[posterboymarine]

He'd only gone as far as the deck and was sitting on the steps, his head in his hand. She hadn't been crying, but he was. Even when he heard her come out, he didn't bother stopping. He was already weak, no point in trying to hide it. But he did manage to speak, when she was close enough to hear him.

"I want to kill him. I want to kill them all. And I can't. Even the one in reach is untouchable. Because your handlers want him alive. Because someone thinks he knows something." He wiped his face and looked out at the lake. "I should have made sure he was dead the first time."

[neverwrongagent]

She sat beside him, resting her head on his shoulder, and took his still damp hand in hers. "Do you think he knows anything? Or is he just fucking with you because of what happened?" He'd gone along with all her plans, done everything she asked. His anger was completely justified if more than a little chilling.

[posterboymarine]

"If we'd been rescued right after, I'd say it was payback. But I don't know now." He squeezed her hand. "I just don't know. Which means we have to play this out. I know that." He looked at her and spoke deadly soft. "Then, I am going to kill him. I need you to know that now."

[neverwrongagent]

"Kill him?" She understood wanting to do that on a gut level. She more than understood it. But practically it made no sense. "What does that get you? Closure? It doesn't stop anything else around this."

[posterboymarine]

"Yes. Kill him. He is the only link I can act on regarding all of this." He looked at her again. "Since no one will let me within miles of the guys picked up when we were rescued."

[neverwrongagent]

He was right about that. Hell, even Carrie hadn't gotten that close to them once they'd been originally debriefed. That said, she knew more about them than he'd been told. Part of why no one could get a good read on Walker was that the read they'd gotten on the hostage takers was so odd. "Yeah, that's not going to happen." She sounded vaguely apologetic about it. An eye for an eye had never made sense to her in the long term, but she did understand his wanting some real, tangible revenge.

"So, what? You do that and all is right? Then you come home?"

[posterboymarine]

He rubbed his eyes and sighed softly. "Hopefully." Bowing his head, he sighed again. "I don't even know anymore. I don't know anything. I can't keep anything straight. And I really need a fucking drink."

[neverwrongagent]

She groaned and leaned more heavily into him. "That I can give you. Somewhere, behind something, there is booze." Because she never could have a bolt hole where she couldn't self medicate if it came to that. "If you're sure." Once they started, she didn't think they'd stop until they passed out.

[posterboymarine]

He didn't answer her for a moment, then he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. Then he kissed her forehead. "You know you deserve better than me, right?"

[neverwrongagent]

She snorted very softly, not quite able to hide the pain that comment caused. "I have no idea where you get this idea I'm such a prize." She shifted so she could kiss him. "You're a good man. You deserve to be happy."

[posterboymarine]

He pulled her into his lap and held her tightly. "Happiness is a lie we tell children to try and spare them from the reality of the world we live in." He cupped her cheek and kissed her deeply.

When he pulled away, there was pain and regret in his eyes. "I was finally relaxed. For the first time in a long time, I was really and truly relaxed. And my fucked up head ruined it. That's why you deserve better. You deserve someone who isn't broken."

[neverwrongagent]

"Why?" She wasn't about to brush off his pain and his experiences. He was broken, but he'd heal a lot more than he thought possible. He might not realize but he already had. "What makes me so special, so whole, that I shouldn't have to deal with someone who lived in the real world?" She shook her head. "I've seen-- I'm part of it, too. I deserve someone who gets it, who sees things as they are."